Cinderella Story www.philstar.com

I guess you think you know this story
You
don’t. The real one’s much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you
know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft
and
sappy
Just to keep the children happy.

Mind you, they
got the
first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of the night,
The
Ugly
Sisters, jewels and all,
Deaprted for the Palace Ball,
While
darling
little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats
who wanted
things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.

She
bellowed ‘Help!’
and ‘Let me out!’
The Magic Fairy heard her
shout.
Appearing in a blaze of
light,
She said, ‘My dear, are you all
right?’
‘All right?’ cried Cindy.
‘Can’t you see
I feel as rotten as
can be!’
She beat her fist against the
wall,
And shouted, ‘Get me to
the ball!
There is a disco at the
Palace!
The rest have gone and I am
jealous!
I want a dress! I want a
coah!
And earrings and a diamond
broach!
And silver slippers, two of
those!
And lovely nylon
panty-hose!

Done up like that I’ll
guarantee
The handsome
Prince will fall for me!’
The Faory said, ‘Hang on
a tick.’
She gave
her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at
all,
Cindy was at
the Palace Ball.

It made the Ugly Sisters
wince
To see her
dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and
pressed
Herself
against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to
pulp,
All he
could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She
shouted,
‘Heck!’
I’ve got to return to save my neck!’
The Prince cried,
‘No!
Alas! Alack!’
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy
shouted,
‘Let me go!’
The dress was ripped from head to toe.

She
ran
out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper in the stair.
The prince wa
son it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
‘The girl
this
slipper fits,’ he cried,
‘Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
I’ll
visit
every house in town
Until I’ve tracked the maiden
down!’

Then
rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a
crate of beer.
At once, one
of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face
was blotched with
blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty
shoe,
And quickly flushed it
down the loo.
Then in its place she
calmly put
The slipper from her
own left foot.

Ah-ha, you
see, the plot grows thicker,
And
Cindy’s luck starts looking
sicker.

Next day, the Prince went
charging down
To knock on
all the doors in town.
In every house, the
tension grew.
Who was the
owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very
wide.
(A normal foot got
lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit
icky.
(The owner’s feet were
hot and sticky.)
Thoussands of eager people
came
To try it on, but all
in vain.

Now came the Ugly Sisters’
go.
One tried it on. The
Prince screamed, ‘No!’
But she screamed, ‘Yes! It
fits! Whoopee!
So
now you’ve got to marry me!’
The Prince went white from
ear to ear.
He
muttered, ‘Let me out of here.’
‘Oh no you don’t! You made
a
vow!
There’s no way you can back out now!’
‘Off with her head!’
The Prince roared back
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This
pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
‘She’s prettier without her
head.’

Then came up Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, ‘Now I
will
try the shoe!’
‘Try this instead!’ the Prince yelled back.
He
swung his
trusty sword and smack –
Her head went crashing to the
ground.
It bounced
a bit and rolled around.

In the kitchen,
peeling
spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the
floor,
And
poked her own head round the door.
‘What’s all the racket?’
Cindy
cried.
‘Mind your own bizz,’ the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy’s
heart was
torn to shreds.
My Prince! She thought. He chops off
heads!

How
could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing
for fun?
The Prince
cried, ‘Who’s this dirty slut?
Off with her nut!
Off with her nut!’
Just
then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy
hove in sight,
Her magic
Wand went swoosh and swish!
‘Cindy!’ she
cried, ‘come make a wish!
Wish
anything and have no doubt
That will
make it come about!’

Cindy
answered, ‘Oh kind Fairy,
This
time I shall be more wary.
No more Princes,
no more money.
I have had
my taste of honey.
I’m wishing for a decent
man.
They’re hard to fund.
D’you think you can?’

Within a
minute, Cinderella
Was
married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam-maker by
trade,
Who sold good
homemade marmalade,
The house was filled with smiles
and laughter
And
they were happy ever after.