Sat, 21 August, 2010 2:56:49

[ No Subject ]

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From:	thea bates ... View Contact
To:	toddlern21@yahoo.com

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Dearest tatay,

I have written thousands of letters in my mind but this will be one of the few in paper.

When I came in England,I thought I would lose myself.But I’ve never been more proud and sure of myself and my culture.Things are different around here,things change a lot faster.

I have also been able to realize I have been running away ,hiding from the life I never planned on.

You see tay, I have planned things until graduation. after that I didn’t know what to do. The real world is filled with cruel realities, that and the responsibility of living my life for myself and in service of other’s lives got so daunting and so overwhelming I chose to quit..I was an idealist, a dreamer confronted with the brutal truth that people die, everyday..no matter how hard I manually pump their chests to bring them to life, sometimes they still die. And that I have to live with it.

I am afraid to live life. thinking of things that may happen. I already wasted 5 years running away from something I do good in—nursing.

I realized I am depriving myself—going for the safe and not living my life entirely.

Nanay would be glad I am away, she knew I needed to learn to walk on my own without using my family as a crutch but as an inspiration to get on and face the gauntlet.

I remember when I told her I was going---she said, mangadi ka gid pirmi ha..

I am blessed to have her as my grandma the longest, But I think you out win us all as you have spent a lifetime with her.

I regret that I wasn’t able to be there to say goodbye.

We all loved her and she loved us back.. It was more than enough

Although I t was a long time ago, I am happy that she gave me the privilege to care for her when she wasn’t well and when she was strong and agile shopping in the busy streets of davao, buying those orchids and letting me carry the huge box they were put in to..

On my last phone call to her, I enquired how she was on oxygen—She said don’t worry,I’ll still be here when you get back..

But I would rather have lost her knowing we all loved her,cherish and appreciate what She gave us more than the cooked food,the suhol or the clothes—her heart.her love and her life.

I still don’t know what to do. or what lies ahead. I guess nobody does..

I got here. In the proverbial bridge and I don’t know how to cross it yet.

rhea